Me too
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all.
The price is high. The reward is great.” Maya Angelou
Have you seen the posts on Facebook? I’m referring to the “Me too” campaign. Have you written “Me too” on your wall or do you know of someone who has publicly come forward?
I have read the comments and watched the posts about “Me too” and the sugge
stion that, “if all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote, “Me too” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.” At various times over the last number of years when the issue of sexual harassment or assault makes the headlines I have taken notice. I take notice because I was sexually abused and can also write, “Me too”.
I have always felt uncomfortable with the idea that I could group myself into the corner as a sexual abuse survivor. I wanted to distance myself from the conversation and from owing this truth.
My abuse began in high school and lasted into my first year of university. Classic story, he was a family friend, I respected him, and I trusted him. I was a teenager when it began, and he had power over me. I naively thought that if I just ignored my instincts, muffled my cries for help and told no one that I wouldn’t have to think about it – ever! I assumed that if I tried hard to never think about it, then any feelings of sadness, loneliness, fear or anger would magically disappear.
Years later, I told my family and a few close friends. It wasn’t until I decided to go back to university as an adult that I started to face the reality that something terrible had happened to me as a teenager. There was a defining moment while taking a university English course when I submitted a paper about my abuse. It was the first time I had written the words “abuse survivor” and shared those words with a stranger. When my paper was graded, at the end my professor wrote, “You don’t have to carry this pain all alone for the rest of your life”. In that sentence, she had given me permission to not hold it in. I decided I didn’t want to hide from my pain and loneliness any longer.
It was the end of high school and I was ready to launch myself to university. I had received numerous basketball scholarships from different universities, but I failed a course in my last semester of high school. To say I was disappointed to not venture off to university with all my friends was an understatement, a feeling that still lingers today. I had such an insatiable need to belong and fit in and I desperately wanted to get out. As I reflect on this formative time in my life I am deeply saddened for that 18-year-old young woman who decided in those moments it was easier to tell herself that she had failed her course because she wasn’t smart. It was easier for her to explain to everyone that she just needed to stay back to redo a failed course than to tell those around her that she was being sexually abused – even though she felt like she was drowning. I have a tough time even writing that now because I knew the nature of my failed course had nothing to do with me not being smart!
When I decided to retrace my steps, and complete my university education I was on the Dean’s honor list each semester and I was inducted at graduation into the Phi Delta Society which honors academic excellence. Only years later my counselor observed that maybe I failed that course because of the stress that I was under trying to keep my life together while feeling very alone and afraid. I mention this because I don’t think I would have come to that realization on my own because my pain was buried so deep within me!
In 2014 I graduated from Bluffton University with a degree in Organizational Management and in 2016 I graduated with my MBA with a concentration in leadership. I am living proof of what courage looks like and what resilience can restore!
In February I spoke publicly for the first time about being sexually abused. I stood in front of an audience which included my friends and family. My friends and family showed up in the empathy seats and cheered me on as I spoke the words of truth that I wish I had felt comfortable talking about long before. I cried afterward – I think it was tears of joy and relief.
I’m not sure if I will ever be interested in being a spokesperson for sexual abuse but having said that, I do continue to wonder if there are other young people, who like me are drowning in sadness as they struggle with any number of issues; sexual abuse, harassment, mental health challenges, drugs or alcohol abuse? No one should live in secrecy and silence. No one should have to carry a burden alone!
After a long journey, here is what I know now and what I was not capable of knowing at the time:
Find a Mentor or a Trusted Older Person to Talk to – When I was a teenager, I confided in a couple of people, but they were as young as I was and totally unprepared and incapable of doing anything to help me because they didn’t have enough life experience. They listened but they didn’t have enough understanding to know that I really needed help. I think I could have spared myself some pain if I had talked with someone who could have given me guidance.
Seek Professional Help – With the help of a mentor, parent or trusted older person get professional help. If the first person you go to isn’t a good fit, try another person. Eventually I sought professional help. Over time, my counselor helped to unstick me. I use the metaphor of a puzzle – she helped me open the puzzle box, dump the pieces out on the table and help me slowly put the puzzle back together. It was tough work! Every now and then I still bump up against something which is a reminder that one of the many puzzle pieces has fallen out and needs to be found and put back into the puzzle. She was instrumental in making me whole.
Become Compassionate Towards Yourself – Imagine for just a moment someone who is kind, caring and supportive of you. Do you have it in you to show yourself the same compassion that this person shows to you? This is called self-compassion – our ability to show ourself the same care and support that the most compassionate person shares with us. Self-compassion is a powerful healer.
Know that Secrecy and Silence Will Never Make the Pain Go Away – I honestly thought that if I could just become better – a better mom, a better friend, a better daughter I could prove to myself that I could handle anything, and I wouldn’t have to feel the deeper pain.
What I know for sure….my inability to not ask for help in high school was deeply rooted in me wanting to spare both the people and institutions I loved from their own anger, sadness and even shame over me being sexually abused. This decision has defined my life and shaped its path. I also believe that is why my company is called Pathway Leadership Group. I wanted to create something that wasn’t available to me when I needed it. It is only as an adult that I have truly learned what it means to be vulnerable, brave and courageous which has helped me live my life from a place of gratitude.
I hope that sharing my story provides hope for anyone needing help. Please Choose You
Love you!
Ruth Ann, Thank you so much for sharing this. Sadly, this made some pieces fall into place in my mind. Knowing how well you did in BCOMP and the MBA is a testimony to the fact that you faced a terrible situation and stopped letting it get in your way. The #metoo campaign prompted my own memory of some abuses (mostly verbal) that I’d tucked away in the back of my mind. Mine weren’t nearly as overt as yours but I recognize that it’s really not about the level of abuse but the simple fact that it occurred. I didn’t post anything not because I didn’t want to admit anything but because I’ve just been absorbing the depth and breadth of such wide-spread abuse. I’ve been especially amazed by the women who say #notme. My concern is that many women don’t recognize what constitutes abuse — verbal or physical. If it’s true, I’m happy for them. But more likely, some women accept what is aimed at them — abuse or not. And that makes me sad…and angry. Thanks, Mary
I am so thankful for your healing so that you can share your heart with those who ‘suffer in Silence’! So proud of you my friend!
You continue to amaze me!
Ruth-Ann I don’t think you will ever know just how important you have been & continue to be in my life. You have been my mentor for 30+ yrs. now …. we have traveled down similar paths and unfortunately this was one of them but I am so very thankful that we are both survivors who are thriving and making a difference in this world despite our past brokenness. I love you with my whole heart!